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Do you wonder how many people have taken an interest in Justice since February 10th 2001?
No? Well you can find out below anyway.
Uh,
hello. Yes. Right, Ad’s asked me to write an introduction to ‘Justice’, so
here it is.
I
first started writing the book in 1999, I think, and spent the rest of the year
filling it with jokes and ideas poached from Red Dwarf, Frasier, Blackadder
and any other sitcom I could think of. It was well, received, acquiring such
acclaim as ‘interesting’ and ‘yeah, it’s good’. When I actually
bothered to read it, though, I discovered that it was, in fact, the largest
collection of pathetic, unoriginal jokes since the last Smash Hits Awards. I
immediately set to work re-writing my masterpiece, and after the passage of
another twelve months, my work was finally done. You can read a whole chapter
of it on this site, you lucky things, due to my extreme stinginess.
‘Justice’
is an extraordinarily amateur Red Dwarf novel, following on from Rob Grant’s
(official) novel ‘Backwards’.
For
those of you not familiar with ‘Red Dwarf’, it’s a cheap, lashed-together
BBC2 sitcom written by the blokes responsible for the Chicken Song, and starring
an out of work impressionist, that tit who presents ‘Scrapheap Challenge’
and a guy who can blow smoke out of his ears. It is also the greatest piece of
television ever created. It’s so far lasted for twelve years, and a film is
expected next year.
Perhaps
even more impressive than the series are the four ‘Red Dwarf’ novels –
‘Red Dwarf’, ‘Better Than Life’, ‘Backwards’ and ‘Last Human’.
These are brilliantly well-written (and if you’ve read ‘The Hitchhikers
Guide to The Galaxy’, you’ll appreciate that statement), hilarious and often
rather moving books, which you really should read.
‘Justice’
however, you should avoid like the plague. Even after two re-writes, it’s
bloody awful, unoriginal and bland. I like it though. And presumably, the…
ahem… Messiah does too, because he and me are co-writing the sequel, so far
entitled ‘Promised Land’, expected some time this millennium.
The
password for the full novel is available if you e-mail either me or the, um…
Messiah and ask very nicely for it. Alternatively, guess. It’s very easy.
And
if you’re female, between 16 and 20 and are very (or even slightly)
attractive, or are named Chloe Annett, please email me HERE.
Anyone else email me HERE.
I’m single, impeccably handsome and my interests include writing constantly,
insulting musicians who don’t play their own instruments and fried foods.
You
are now entering the Justice Zone. Beyond this point it is impossible to commit
any act of laughter.
Chris
Buchanan
February
2001
When Buchanan first told us, the small ring of friends that we are, that he was writing a Red Dwarf novel we were all supportive. We didn’t think it would get finished, but we were still supportive, and isn’t that what really counts? And anyway, I tried to help him many times by supplying him with a number of ideas. The jokes in Justice weren’t pathetic, just stolen. People loved his first version. Well, that’s what they said. I loved it. After he re-wrote it, not many of the people who read the original read the new version. But that’s because neither of us see them anymore.
He isn’t such an amateur writer. He is now studying A level English Language at Bury College, laughing when the group is reading something upsetting or disturbing.
And so ends my incredibly short introduction.
If you wish to email me, do so HERE. I'm single, deeply in love, though that love is unreturned, and I hate the internet. Why I have my own site, I don't know.
Adam Quick (The Messiah)
February 2001